Us Magazine Monday

Hello and happy Monday! (All right, all right, it's now Tuesday. I had a little trouble finishing this since the kids were out of school). As I am the type that does not fly by the seat of my pants, I thought I would start giving this blog a bit of structure. Every Monday I will provide a little commentary from my last issue of Us Magazine (otherwise known as literature or the bible, take your pick). Sandra Bullock is once again occupying the front page with Jesse's face inset. His small head shot would provide the perfect bullseye for target practice if anyone is interested.

I managed to get to page 19 before seeing Kate Gosselin's mug for Dancing with the Stars. This show could really be the mother of all reality TV shows. It combines "The Bachelor," the aforementioned "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" (vomit), and this season features Buzz Aldrin. The fact that he walked on the moon is secondary to the fact that may have unwittingly provided us with one of the first reality TV experiences. American hero? Ha! It's all about the reality TV. Anyway, I did manage to catch the first episode thanks to my DVR and now have my beloved Us magazine for the "drama behind the scenes."

First of all, I fully anticipated a pole to appear somewhere in the middle of the broadcast so Jake (The Bachelor) Pavelka's beloved Vienna could jump on and do her own dance. Everything about this girl screams stripper to me, but alas, she was left to clap politely from the sidelines next to his family who apparantly wanted nothing to do with her. Moving on.

Newly annointed host Brooke Burke, was lovely. I tried not to hate her considering she has that bod after four kids. After last post I do not want to harp on, ahem, the "upper extremities." However, hers were popping out of the dress. Then after interviewing each couple said "They need your support." She said this at least twenty times and all I could think was, "Babe, they look like they're doing A-Okay on their own."

Ahhh, now my favorite. Dear Kate Gosselin. Bruno said she looked like a shopping cart that Tony had to push around. Not unlike you Kate, karma is a bitch. Here is a picture of our dear Kate reacting to the judge's critique:

So, Lillian Glass sees "tension..." all I see is "Barbie - Mommy Dearest edition." When interviewed afterwards and asked if it was a relief she got through it, her reply was "it's good knowing my kids can rest easy." Um, that's not answering the question, but hey, whatever it took to get that "mom plug" in...P.S. your kids would rest easier, if you were HOME and not across the country trying to extend your fifteen minutes.

Onto Page 92. Aha! Something that doesn't require me to go in snark attack mode. Jamie Oliver, I love you! I'm not fluent on our food system, but know it is whack-a-dooed beyond belief. This undoubtedly contributes to our obesity problem. Dear Jamie's new show is "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution." Thank you for giving us a reality show that is not a total train wreck.



I will wrap up with page 98 where we have the movie section. Drum roll please. Mylie Cyrus and Nicholas Sparks' "The Last Song" has earned the "Us Bust" award. AMEN. I skipped the movie, but read and loved "The Notebook." However, my attempts to read other Sparks' books has resulted in my gagging on the schmaltz. I also think Mylie Cyrus is way too big for her precocious sassy pants. Us magazine, I knew I could trust you to spot toxicity at its finest. You never fail to disappoint.


And that is my replay of Us Magazine for the week. Can't wait until Friday when my next issue hits the mailbox even though I discovered today that wasps were building a nest in it (the mailbox that is). I'm deathly afraid of stinging insects, however, wasps will be harmed if they come between me and the Us.

Talk to you soon!

Why Are These People Celebrities?

Last Friday I hear the mailman pull away from the mailbox. This can only mean one thing...Us Magazine!!! It's arrival says "Happy Friday!" to me. This paired with the fact that my husband works from home, there will be no homework, and there is a family dinner out on the horizon (drinks!), make a great start to the weekend. The Sandra Bullock/Jesse James scandal has broken this week (feel terrible for her), so it's 1:1 odds who is on the cover. I practically skip to the mailbox knowing I will win this silly bet with myself. I pull out my magazine. BINGO, Sandra Bullock. Then I scan the sub stories and there she is...Kate Freakin Gosselin. The only consolation is that it is a sub story, not the whole stinking front page, and she's on for Dancing With the Stars, not because of her divorce. But then I think, "Dancing with the STARS?" What is it about this woman that makes her a star? I'll give her the sextuplets, but outside of that, what does she bring to the table? She's a mom, just like millions of us. Why do we shower her with all of this attention? As a result she has round the clock nannies, paid vacations, plastic surgery and hair extensions. Personally, I think she should get back to the business of being a mom and made to slug it out with the rest of us (i.e. luxury = uninterrupted hot shower). This brings me to some other useless celebrities. Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and the Kardashians to name a few. They're basically paid to be vapid, self obsessed, law breaking, emaciated, drama queens who get pregnant out of wedlock. As I write this I realize I am contributing to the problem and only bestowing more attention on them. Can we organize a boycott? Buy no magazines that feature these unworthy objects of our affection/attention. Next week when I skip to the mailbox to collect my coveted magazine I hope Mother Teresa is on the cover.