Us Weekly

Hi Folks! I'm busy as usual. I'm sure you are too. Quick shout out to Mother Nature who played very nice yesterday and didn't rain on our two outdoor events. After two big parties in the heat, the kids have their own version of a hangover...overtired, too much sugar...Then there's me who's operating on four hours of sleep. This may be a good night's sleep in Lindsay Lohan's world, but it's crash and burn time in mine. Anyway, I had a two issues of Us backed up. This past Friday's issue was okay. Real Housewives of Orange County is on the cover. I don't watch it, but probably should as it sounds like perfect fodder for blogging. However, the issue before that totally held my attention. Perhaps it was the cover:

I'm a sucker for diet information. Apparently I'm not alone judging from the magazine covers that I see in the grocery store checkout line. They tout things like "Lose the Belly Fat for Good!" Have you ever studied all of these magazine covers as a group? "Beat Stress!" "Walk the Weight Off!" "The Five Minute Solution For Exhaustion!" Why do we buy these? They really make us women out to be a sorry lot and P.S. If anyone out there has ever found a lasting solution to any of these problems in a weekly magazine, drop me a line. I digress. Back to the Us.

I always get a kick out of the "Who Wore It Best" section. I play a little game with myself and make my own judgment before looking at the stats. I am wrong 90% of the time. This week was no exception:

Grant you I was only off by four percentage points, but I picked Audrina Patridge. Seeing as the press is just crazy hard/cruel to Jessica Simpson, I'm glad to see some glimmer of positive press. However, I'm also happy to see the shirt that I gave away in 1995 (having not worn it since 1992) has made its way into the hands of someone who will wear it.

I wouldn't think this section would give me so much material, but the next page was great:

A blow out! It's about as common as pitching a perfect game (Go Halladay!) but it is well deserved by Lauren Conrad here. The parent in me cringes to see Taylor Momsen go from playing sweet Cindy Lou Who in "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" to looking like a cross between Avril Lavigne and Courtney Love. This has "fallen child star" written all over it. Moving to the top right, do we care who wore this dress best? Apparently you turn into a miserable statue the moment you put it on. Now to the bottom right. Can anyone truly wear this dress best? It looks like a table cloth suitable for a luau with a checkerboard runner on it. Frankly, I'm surprised two people wore this creation. I don't get it.

The magazine also covers the Sex and the City premier, Bret Michaels' health issues (I think I'm a renewed fan post Celebrity Apprentice...may have to dig the old 45's out. Get well soon!), and the Sarah Ferguson scandal. However, it was two other clips that caught my attention.

Wahoo! J. Lo and Marc Anthony have managed to make it to six years of marriage. This means they are the new poster children for "long term" marriages by Hollywood standards. Congratulations! They are renewing their vows and have reportedly registered for gifts. I am absolutely sure they don't have everything they need from his first marriage or her first or second marriage. As celebrities, they clearly don't get enough free stuff, so people should absolutely drop cash so they can have the "paid for" variety. Hello tacky. Moving on...

No Dating for Tiger Woods! Apparantly Elin's team is watching his every move and his team feels as though it would not be a good idea. I couldn't agree more. Taking a woman to dinner publicly could be horribly damaging. Better stick to the undercover serial whoring. Go get him Team Elin!

And that's a wrap! I am out of mental steam to write anything else (the fashion reviews really take it out of me...sarcasm anyone?). So I will just bid you adieu and wish you a good night. Talk to you soon!

The Business of Father Time

Greetings peeps! I know, I know, I have been crazy absentee. The past few weeks have been nuts as many of you moms can sympathize. Apparantly there are some nazi bloggers out there who say you need to write consistently two to three times a week. My thought is, until it pays the bills, it's called a hobby and doesn't always make it to the top of the to do list. Well, that and the past three issues of Us Magazine didn't give me anything I was really excited to write about (clearly the first sign of the apocolypse). The real source of my problem though is Father Time. If he were on Facebook I would totally "unfriend him"(or at least provide justification for a "dislike" button). That being said, it is time to put Father Time in the hot seat.

Now bear in mind, when it's all said and done, I'm a business girl . I appreciate making a deal, creating "win win" situations, and am all about my customer. Father Time clearly has not gone to business school. If he were on The Apprentice...color him fired. Here's what I'm talking about.

Economics 101 - The basic laws of supply and demand. Hellooooooooo! We're dying down down here (I say "down here" because I have this vision of Father Time being some God like figure watching over us...perhaps I give him too much credit?). If your customer is demanding more you're supposed to increase supply and create some sort of balance. We are screaming with demand, but yet you give us nothing. Don't give us the daylights savings schpeal either, because you may give us an hour, but then you yank it right back...totally doesn't count. Not only is this unfair, it's just confusing. Do I turn the clocks, forward, backward, how the H E double L am I going to get my infant to sleep past 5 a.m. in this scenerio? Just make it straight forward, give us more. We need it, we want it, throw us a bone. If the makers of Zhu Zhu Pets can figure out supply and demand, so can you.

Making the Deal / Creating the Win Win - It's time to get a power meeting on with Mother Nature. As time marches on, why must we decompose? Time to renegotiate. Frankly, it's a no brainer. You give us more time and in direct proportion Mother Nature slows the aging process. If you want to get really ambitious you can throw a little "Curious Case of Benjamin Button," in there. You know, have us age backward so we get younger as time goes on. Be creative! Great ideas don't have to be confined to fiction, get on it! Make it happen! It worked for Apple and Google, it can work for you.

The Monopoly - Three words. Don't go there. Oh sure, you may think you have control over it all, nobody can touch you, and we all have to put up with you and your sub-par product, but it usually doesn't end well. If you want to take what I'm talking about out for a test drive, go to a crowded cocktail party and mention the word "Comcast." amongst a group of men and watch the disgruntled sparks fly. Then watch the sunshine appear as people talk about how they LOOOOOOVE their Verizon. I'm just saying I think there could be a Verizon to your Comcast. Who's with me in developing "Mother Time Efficiency?" I've got ten bucks that says we can develop a far superior product that people will love! Why would we put time in the hands of of a man anyway? They have four hours and they play a round of golf. Women have four hours and we clean the house, plan an event, make two meals, chauffeur to two activities while simultaneously returning phone calls. Look out Father Time, we're going after your market share!

And there it is. I'm off to tackle the to do list that doesn't have the decency to take Sunday off. Then we're going to celebrate our nephew's college graduation. Hard to believe he was only ten years old when I met him. Whether it's managing to do's or watching your family grow up, it really all boils down to time and it's value. Cherish your time and more importantly the people you spend it with. Have a great day everyone!

Us Magazine Monday 4-12-10

Happy Us Magazine Monday! Let me start by saying...WRETCH!!! You can take this in one of two ways. Kate Gosselin is a wretch, or "I wretch" as I have been forced to see this woman suck up space in my beloved Us magazine for waaaaaaay too many weeks. To make matters worse, I'm now writing about it, going against my own plea not to buy any more magazines that included her or the Kardashians as they are worthless "celebrities." However, my commentary this week is very well summarized from the front page.

First, continuing my tirade on Kate Gosselin. Does anyone else find it creepy that she looks like Britney Spears in this picture? Seeing as Britney is like ten years her junior, this should be a compliment. However, as a mother of eight, it strikes me as pathetic. The article inside goes on how she trumped John on her Easter celebration with the kids (photo op Easter egg hunt), how she's horrible to her dance partner Tony, and how the cast of Dancing With the Stars finds her nasty and "stand offish." Well Kate, after no less than ten Us cover stories, we get it...you're a bitch. Here's the deal people...we have control over this one. Nobody vote for her and we can get her off this show. I need a vacation from this woman.

I would also like to note PR strategies here. Kate gets divorced and she gets 10+ magazine covers from Us. Tiger Woods is a cheating, rotten scoundrel, and he had max 2 covers and maybe a sub story. To net it out, Kate's people are paying to keep her in the tabloids and Tiger's camp is paying to keep him out. I'll gladly set up the "Let's Buy Kate Gosselin Out of the Media Foundation" All I need is a Paypal account right? Who's game? But, getting back to Tiger Woods...



I would like to officially become a member of "Team Elin." I was so sick of these political wives who "stood by their men" as they were publicly humiliated by them. Go Elin for grabbing a golf club and going after him. I also congratulate her for standing her ground and not going to The Masters. I love the title of this article "Elin's Still Angry." Duhhhh. He cheated on her for years, but four months, and several pay offs to the dirty girls ought to be enough to smoothe things over right? Even if she ultimately stays with him, he really needs to be hung out to dry for the haul. Stand strong Elin!

Allow me to jet right into the whole "rehab for sex addiction" thing. Jesse James is the latest to cry "addiction." How come this is a "celebrity only" addiction? Any of you out there know of any "common folk" who "suffer" from this? I think not. It's called too much money, too much access, and code amongst high paid people to cover up bad behavior. As soon as they're caught they cry addiction. Two words...get lost.

Moving on to "Kourtney's ultimatum..."



Based upon these pictures I would say the ultimatum is "Stop stepping out like Hugh Heffner's mommy dressed you for Easter or I'm outta here!" I'm not even sure Mr. Heffner should get away with wearing a bathrobe in public. Mr. Kardashian certainly shouldn't. What is up with the smoking jacket and searsucker pants? I don't even know what to say about the fuschia china doll loafers. Can anyone envision their husbands in this getup? Maybe on Halloween, but that's about it. I would get into the real story as to "the ultimatum," but I really don't care. My support of the Kardashians being celebrities ends with the mocking of the wardrobe/wardrobe malfunction thank you very much.

One last unrelated snippet. I love Kristin Davis and Sex in the City, however, she has a normal pear shaped build and this picture is so blatantly airbrushed, I couldn't ignore it.



Would it kill us to see a normal build on the cover of a fitness magazine? Personally, I would embrace it, but no, they had to airbrush her down to a string bean.

That being said, I'm off to go work off my post partum pudge. Keeping my fingers crossed with some hard work I won't be humiliated to be seen in a bathing suit come June. Maybe Heidi Pratt has the right idea after all? Anywho, that wraps it up! Talk to you soon!

Us Magazine Monday

Hello and happy Monday! (All right, all right, it's now Tuesday. I had a little trouble finishing this since the kids were out of school). As I am the type that does not fly by the seat of my pants, I thought I would start giving this blog a bit of structure. Every Monday I will provide a little commentary from my last issue of Us Magazine (otherwise known as literature or the bible, take your pick). Sandra Bullock is once again occupying the front page with Jesse's face inset. His small head shot would provide the perfect bullseye for target practice if anyone is interested.

I managed to get to page 19 before seeing Kate Gosselin's mug for Dancing with the Stars. This show could really be the mother of all reality TV shows. It combines "The Bachelor," the aforementioned "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" (vomit), and this season features Buzz Aldrin. The fact that he walked on the moon is secondary to the fact that may have unwittingly provided us with one of the first reality TV experiences. American hero? Ha! It's all about the reality TV. Anyway, I did manage to catch the first episode thanks to my DVR and now have my beloved Us magazine for the "drama behind the scenes."

First of all, I fully anticipated a pole to appear somewhere in the middle of the broadcast so Jake (The Bachelor) Pavelka's beloved Vienna could jump on and do her own dance. Everything about this girl screams stripper to me, but alas, she was left to clap politely from the sidelines next to his family who apparantly wanted nothing to do with her. Moving on.

Newly annointed host Brooke Burke, was lovely. I tried not to hate her considering she has that bod after four kids. After last post I do not want to harp on, ahem, the "upper extremities." However, hers were popping out of the dress. Then after interviewing each couple said "They need your support." She said this at least twenty times and all I could think was, "Babe, they look like they're doing A-Okay on their own."

Ahhh, now my favorite. Dear Kate Gosselin. Bruno said she looked like a shopping cart that Tony had to push around. Not unlike you Kate, karma is a bitch. Here is a picture of our dear Kate reacting to the judge's critique:

So, Lillian Glass sees "tension..." all I see is "Barbie - Mommy Dearest edition." When interviewed afterwards and asked if it was a relief she got through it, her reply was "it's good knowing my kids can rest easy." Um, that's not answering the question, but hey, whatever it took to get that "mom plug" in...P.S. your kids would rest easier, if you were HOME and not across the country trying to extend your fifteen minutes.

Onto Page 92. Aha! Something that doesn't require me to go in snark attack mode. Jamie Oliver, I love you! I'm not fluent on our food system, but know it is whack-a-dooed beyond belief. This undoubtedly contributes to our obesity problem. Dear Jamie's new show is "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution." Thank you for giving us a reality show that is not a total train wreck.



I will wrap up with page 98 where we have the movie section. Drum roll please. Mylie Cyrus and Nicholas Sparks' "The Last Song" has earned the "Us Bust" award. AMEN. I skipped the movie, but read and loved "The Notebook." However, my attempts to read other Sparks' books has resulted in my gagging on the schmaltz. I also think Mylie Cyrus is way too big for her precocious sassy pants. Us magazine, I knew I could trust you to spot toxicity at its finest. You never fail to disappoint.


And that is my replay of Us Magazine for the week. Can't wait until Friday when my next issue hits the mailbox even though I discovered today that wasps were building a nest in it (the mailbox that is). I'm deathly afraid of stinging insects, however, wasps will be harmed if they come between me and the Us.

Talk to you soon!