Monday, August 30, 2010

10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back to School

Okay, so I didn't write this, but I wish I did. The "buying crap that you already have in junk drawers" in misconception #2 is speaking to me...BIG TIME. It made me laugh and I think it will make you laugh too. Thank you K for sending to me in the first place. Laughter feeds the soul.

10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school
Seriously. I've had enough of you by now. Every morning with the "what are
we going to do today, Mom?" is finally over. I've had looked at your face
twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It's time to go learn something. No
more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up
late and watch a movie. It's over..You're going back to Hogwarts and I get
to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it's
called "back to school".

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?.so I can rack up a 200
dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk
drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What's wrong with the chewed
up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box
for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need?
What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of
things for parents to that list I wouldn't mind so much..why not pencils,
erasers and vodka ...or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You're the teacher.I'm the
parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain
number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can't get a prize from the
prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I'm pretty old school. If he doesn't
listen to can throw something at him. I don't care. But I got a lot
of work to do at home and I'm paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I'm
pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some
Indian tribe I've never heard of, so I need to get home and start my
research. So, I got it. We're all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah
Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had
to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where
we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn't have a
him "stinkbutt" for all I care. We don't have any "special circumstances"
that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or
may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that
qualifies as a reason he can't get his homework done on time then he won't
be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to
"educate" him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky
What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in
a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children
are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any
parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air
bubbles in it? From now on I'm covering it the old way.brown paper bags.
That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who
says moms can't multitask?
PS. Please tell my son if he can't find his lunch to look in his science

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.
What? I am scared out of my mind. I'm pretty sure that I forgot everything I
learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what
you are talking about most days. I don't really know my 12 times tables, I
read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don't know how to
conjugate anything but I do know that song "conjuction junction what's your
function" if that helps at all. And please don't even say the words "new
math" to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can't wait to pack your lunch every day until
we die.
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence,
so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of "mom fun",
lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my
annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for
lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will
find a kid to trade with.I'm sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don't know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they
should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don't get me wrong.
I'm not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it
during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn't at 8:30 at
night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and
call it "after-hours activities" so mommy and daddy could actually go out
one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don't worry about us
though I'm sure that me and "what's his name" will be married a very long

Misconception Number 9: Moms don't mind taking you to school if you miss the
Your bus comes at 7:10 am..which means that you should be standing by the
door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or
in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I'm taking a shower.
Get it together! I don't like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12
screaming "Please wait" or "If you stop I'll show you my boobies."

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully
kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major
damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save
lives and CEO's run million dollar businesses teach a kid not to
poop their pants and then you can say you've made the world a better place."

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Wrapping Up Summer

Hello Everyone! Yes, I have been out of touch for quite some time, but I've said it before and I'll say it again...until it pays the bills, it's called a hobby. So, here we are less than two weeks before school starts and I find myself in the scramble to get all of those "summer" things in before we hit the madness that is "back to school." Where did the time go? I have to laugh at myself. Sometimes I reread my blog posts thinking of ways I could have made them better (sentence structure...YIKES!). In rereading "Summer Buzz" I have to say that was an idealistic joke. Here's how the summer went down.

First two weeks out of school, you decompress while simultaneously try not to lose it on your kids as they alternate between bickering and begging you to do unrealistic things (No, we're not going to Dorney Park today or going to Rita's for lunch).

Camps - We ended up extending from three weeks to six. During these six weeks, by the time I shuttled everyone to where they needed to be and got the baby two naps, the day was gone and I still hadn't unloaded the dishwasher. Don't get me started on the rest of the to do's that got ignored (unless of course you count "update Facebook status").

The Shore - One week vacation. Fun, fun, fun! Then I came home to all of the laundry and the wreckage that was my house. It took another full week to recover.

And that pretty much brings us up to date. As for some of those other things that I swore I was going to do this summer, here's how that went.

Journaling/Writing - this lasted for my son until camps started, then it was out the window. As far as my blogging, look no further than my last entry date (July 13th) to see how well I did with that.

Reading - We actually did pretty well here. I am on my third book for the summer. Our son has gone above and beyond on the summer reading and we're almost done reading the fifth Harry Potter Book. Tangent time! In reading "Eat, Pray, Love" I alternated between thinking, "Wow this chick is cool and gets it," to being exasperated with the endless self introspection. Enough already. I'll still see the movie, but will probably have to wait until it comes on pay per view. Also, I have to wonder about these authors who write about disturbing sex crimes as in "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo." At the end of the book there was an excerpt from the author's next book "The Girl Who Played With Fire." Lo and behold it had another disturbingly graphic sex crime. I'm thinking nobody should let their daughters near this guy. Just Sayin...

The board games - I said we had a million that never see any action and were going to get played this summer. In the end, the only action they will see is the big heave ho as I give up the ruse that they'll be played. In regard to these and the other stifling amounts clutter/junk I have in this house, I am adopting the mind set of an environmentalist. I need a 50% reduction in crap to save the environment that is this household. Purge 2010 is in effect. It has to go out now, because if it doesn't, the back to school, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas junk just gets added to it and, oh, here come the men in the little white coats...

Playgrounds - I got to my first playground with the kids this past Monday. It was fantastic for about fifteen minutes and then 4 groups of campers invaded and bedlam ensued. That was fun.

The Library - Do we even have a library around here? (That's code for "I never made it.")

Triathlon - Yes I did it! Time and placement are nothing to brag about, but it's done! I'm contemplating another triathlon or two and have signed up for a half marathon for February. I just ran my new long of six miles and feel like I need a hip replacement, so I'll let you know how training for that goes. By the way, why don't I look like Twiggy yet?

That's pretty much it. Grousing aside, it really has been a good summer even though it wasn't the picture of perfection, but then again, what is? Have fun cramming in the best of what summer has to offer into these last two weeks. If you don't hear from me before, chances are I'll see you at Staples duking it out for school supplies. Until then, be well and have fun!