Okay, so I didn't write this, but I wish I did. The "buying crap that you already have in junk drawers" in misconception #2 is speaking to me...BIG TIME. It made me laugh and I think it will make you laugh too. Thank you K for sending to me in the first place. Laughter feeds the soul.
10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School
Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school
Seriously. I've had enough of you by now. Every morning with the "what are
we going to do today, Mom?" is finally over. I've had looked at your face
twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It's time to go learn something. No
more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up
late and watch a movie. It's over..You're going back to Hogwarts and I get
to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it's
called "back to school".
Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.
Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?.so I can rack up a 200
dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk
drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What's wrong with the chewed
up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box
for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need?
What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of
things for parents to that list I wouldn't mind so much..why not pencils,
erasers and vodka ...or some Nyquil.
Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.
Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You're the teacher.I'm the
parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain
number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can't get a prize from the
prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I'm pretty old school. If he doesn't
listen to you.you can throw something at him. I don't care. But I got a lot
of work to do at home and I'm paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I'm
pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some
Indian tribe I've never heard of, so I need to get home and start my
research. So, I got it. We're all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah
Blah Blah. Can I leave now?
Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.
How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had
to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where
we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn't have a nickname..call
him "stinkbutt" for all I care. We don't have any "special circumstances"
that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or
may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that
qualifies as a reason he can't get his homework done on time then he won't
be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to
"educate" him on that life lesson.
Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky
What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in
a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children
are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any
parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air
bubbles in it? From now on I'm covering it the old way.brown paper bags.
That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who
says moms can't multitask?
PS. Please tell my son if he can't find his lunch to look in his science
Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.
What? I am scared out of my mind. I'm pretty sure that I forgot everything I
learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what
you are talking about most days. I don't really know my 12 times tables, I
read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don't know how to
conjugate anything but I do know that song "conjuction junction what's your
function" if that helps at all. And please don't even say the words "new
math" to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?
Misconception Number 7: Moms can't wait to pack your lunch every day until
I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence,
so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of "mom fun",
lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my
annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for
lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will
find a kid to trade with.I'm sure someone likes sardines.
Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.
I don't know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they
should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don't get me wrong.
I'm not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it
during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn't at 8:30 at
night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and
call it "after-hours activities" so mommy and daddy could actually go out
one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don't worry about us
though I'm sure that me and "what's his name" will be married a very long
Misconception Number 9: Moms don't mind taking you to school if you miss the
Your bus comes at 7:10 am..which means that you should be standing by the
door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or
in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I'm taking a shower.
Get it together! I don't like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12
screaming "Please wait" or "If you stop I'll show you my boobies."
Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school
We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully
kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major
damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save
lives and CEO's run million dollar businesses but.you teach a kid not to
poop their pants and then you can say you've made the world a better place."