Us Magazine Monday 4-12-10

Happy Us Magazine Monday! Let me start by saying...WRETCH!!! You can take this in one of two ways. Kate Gosselin is a wretch, or "I wretch" as I have been forced to see this woman suck up space in my beloved Us magazine for waaaaaaay too many weeks. To make matters worse, I'm now writing about it, going against my own plea not to buy any more magazines that included her or the Kardashians as they are worthless "celebrities." However, my commentary this week is very well summarized from the front page.

First, continuing my tirade on Kate Gosselin. Does anyone else find it creepy that she looks like Britney Spears in this picture? Seeing as Britney is like ten years her junior, this should be a compliment. However, as a mother of eight, it strikes me as pathetic. The article inside goes on how she trumped John on her Easter celebration with the kids (photo op Easter egg hunt), how she's horrible to her dance partner Tony, and how the cast of Dancing With the Stars finds her nasty and "stand offish." Well Kate, after no less than ten Us cover stories, we get it...you're a bitch. Here's the deal people...we have control over this one. Nobody vote for her and we can get her off this show. I need a vacation from this woman.

I would also like to note PR strategies here. Kate gets divorced and she gets 10+ magazine covers from Us. Tiger Woods is a cheating, rotten scoundrel, and he had max 2 covers and maybe a sub story. To net it out, Kate's people are paying to keep her in the tabloids and Tiger's camp is paying to keep him out. I'll gladly set up the "Let's Buy Kate Gosselin Out of the Media Foundation" All I need is a Paypal account right? Who's game? But, getting back to Tiger Woods...



I would like to officially become a member of "Team Elin." I was so sick of these political wives who "stood by their men" as they were publicly humiliated by them. Go Elin for grabbing a golf club and going after him. I also congratulate her for standing her ground and not going to The Masters. I love the title of this article "Elin's Still Angry." Duhhhh. He cheated on her for years, but four months, and several pay offs to the dirty girls ought to be enough to smoothe things over right? Even if she ultimately stays with him, he really needs to be hung out to dry for the haul. Stand strong Elin!

Allow me to jet right into the whole "rehab for sex addiction" thing. Jesse James is the latest to cry "addiction." How come this is a "celebrity only" addiction? Any of you out there know of any "common folk" who "suffer" from this? I think not. It's called too much money, too much access, and code amongst high paid people to cover up bad behavior. As soon as they're caught they cry addiction. Two words...get lost.

Moving on to "Kourtney's ultimatum..."



Based upon these pictures I would say the ultimatum is "Stop stepping out like Hugh Heffner's mommy dressed you for Easter or I'm outta here!" I'm not even sure Mr. Heffner should get away with wearing a bathrobe in public. Mr. Kardashian certainly shouldn't. What is up with the smoking jacket and searsucker pants? I don't even know what to say about the fuschia china doll loafers. Can anyone envision their husbands in this getup? Maybe on Halloween, but that's about it. I would get into the real story as to "the ultimatum," but I really don't care. My support of the Kardashians being celebrities ends with the mocking of the wardrobe/wardrobe malfunction thank you very much.

One last unrelated snippet. I love Kristin Davis and Sex in the City, however, she has a normal pear shaped build and this picture is so blatantly airbrushed, I couldn't ignore it.



Would it kill us to see a normal build on the cover of a fitness magazine? Personally, I would embrace it, but no, they had to airbrush her down to a string bean.

That being said, I'm off to go work off my post partum pudge. Keeping my fingers crossed with some hard work I won't be humiliated to be seen in a bathing suit come June. Maybe Heidi Pratt has the right idea after all? Anywho, that wraps it up! Talk to you soon!

Are You There God? It's Me Margi

Ah, the book club of our youth (more like pre-teen angst) anchored by our fearless leader Judy Blume. Thank you for addressing our changing bodies in a way we could deal with (I prayed for illness the day of the "sex talk" at school). Alas, here I sit at the age of 36, three kids, and still have trouble getting my head wrapped around what's going on with this bod of mine. With no Judy Blume book geared towards mid life post partum moms, I'll take my questions straight to the big guy. Here are my most pressing:

WHAT THE #$@!& IS GOING ON??? Allow me to follow that up with, ARE YOU SERIOUS??? With each passing year I am asked to do more and more but yet my metabolism retired at the age of 30 and may have died at age 35. Don't go telling me to work out, because I do. Six days a week for over 4 years Mister. I would say I'm working my ass off but the reflection in the mirror and my jeans beg to differ. So to net it out, I'm just working. I look at pizza and I gain a pound. If I actually eat it - 5. Don't get me started on the holidays. Did you really mean for us to eat for a straight month to celebrate your son's birthday? However, I must say thank you for Flag Day. Maybe the only non stuff-your-face holiday. I would include Groundhog Day in this, but the little bugger almost always sees his shadow predicting 6 more weeks of winter, causing instant depression and into the pantry I go. I realize emotional eating is not your problem. However, I would have appreciated a metabolism that could handle it, not the early retirement package.

Moving on to body type. I would like to confirm my hypothesis that genetic code is really your lottery. Hitting the jackpot is almost statistically impossible. The
.0001% who have are Victoria Secret models. The rest of us settle for having one or two of the numbers and make do with what we have. We look enviously at the jackpot winners, but know there is not a damn thing we can do about it.

The "Power Ball" of this hypothetical lottery has got to be the boobs. I have had more conversations with my girlfriends about this body part than any other. Please tell us how the boobs are dealt out. Is it a rock, paper, scissors situation? Rock for big ones. Paper for flat ones. Scissors, you give out whatever you feel like because you know a third of us will contemplate going under the knife anyway? Speaking of the fake variety, those of you who have them...rock on. They are far cuter than the real deal. Yes, you are hearing the voice of experience here. Speaking as a "C or above" (no one gets my vitals) they're really not that great. Newsflash, they're made of fat tissue and don't look cute in sundresses. One last questions regarding "the girls" (my nickname of choice by the way). Please explain to me why post pregnancy those of us of the "petite variety" shrink to mosquito bites and those of us who have the "grade A larges" jet on up to "jumbos?" I will sum this up for you in two words. Have mercy.

Now I realize that sassing God is never recommended, so allow me to say after all of the sass, I am grateful for this healthy bod that has served me quite well physically and emotionally these past 36+ years. For those who have not been so fortunate, I pray for you and have faith that God hears that first and ignores my nonsense.

And that wraps up this installment. I'm heading to spin class and will then exercise every shred of will power I have not to dive head first into the Easter Candy. I'm signing off to play with my kids for the rest of the weekend. Be well and appreciate what you have!