Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why the Fancy Branding? Call it What it is.

Hello Consumers! As good'ol Americans we probably consume more crap than any other nation out there. No, I did not do a great amount of research on that statement. I'm blogging, not trying to be a journalist. But seriously, we can't jump on the computer, grocery shop, get our nails done (wish me luck getting that off the to do list) or even take our kids to the dang doctor without being assaulted with some advertising/branding message. We're numb to most. We don't even recognize the assault anymore. However, I would like to call a few brands and marketing ploys on the carpet. Cut the crap, let's just call it as we see it.

1. The "Fun Size" candy bar. This is a total joke. Hands down this should be called the "Denial Size" candy bar. I would never eat the regular size one. Eating the big daddy sends me into a downspiral of guilt, but three little bitty sized ones? Housed without thinking twice. I know more than one gal that leaves the gym and dives head first into a bag of "fun sized" Snickers, but she washes it down with a Diet Coke so all is well. And speaking of...

2. Let's just call Coca-Cola "Crack-a-Cola," or in my case "Diet Crack." I have rehabbed myself off this stuff more times than Robert Downey Jr. and somehow I always fall back. On my last attempt I decided the only way I wouldn't drink it is not buy it. This is how that went down. Mid morning, I start having "the Diet Coke meltdown" (withdrawl). I got the lunches packed, everyone to school alive, and worked out. Dammit, I deserve my effervescent, caffeinated, can of chemicals! (enititlement) I call my neighbor (dealer) who has a stash. She agrees to leave not one, but two in her mailbox so I can come get them (the drive by). My first sip is pure heaven. I actually feel it going through my veins (full on substance abuse). I drive to Target to buy my own case. This brings me to...

3. Target. This one may not be too far off as it "Targets" my wallet. but in the spirit of keeping things literal, can we just call it the "Hundred Dollar Store?" I go in for diapers and formula and I come out with a picture frame, vase, movie, three new t-shirts a piece for my daughters, one for myself (that's how the ratio works...3 for the kids, 1 for me), pokeman cards, and a mini bottle of Purell that they sell at the checkout counter (because you can always use that right?). The sad thing is, there's a good chance I will have forgotten to actually pick up the diapers and formula, sending me back into the store for round two.

4. Some things I understand, like the "Happy Meal." It's really not practical to call it "My kids don't eat anything resembling a vegetable anyway, my husband's away and I'm not cooking" meal. However, here is one suggestion, just to be literal. The big "Golden Arches" out front that you can see a mile away? Turn them upside down and call it "The Big Fat Ass" because that is what you will have if you keep eating there.

Just calling it as I see it folks! We're intelligent people. Don't try to fake us out with cutesy names, jingles, and slogans. We're Americans. We'll consume the living daylights out of it anyway. Find the fun around you today!

1 comment:

  1. This is fantastic! My husband looked over a few times while I was reading this and wanted to know what I was reading that was making me smile so much. I Love reading you describe the things I am thinking every day. And by the way, who is that "dealer" of yours? I bet she is a really nice and fun person. I bet she would be more than happy to supply Diet Crack any day in exchange for a lunch that doesn't include a frozen box of food.