Sunday, May 23, 2010

Humor Found in Dr.'s Waiting Room...

Hello and happy Sunday. Things seem to be settling down here a bit after a very chaotic few weeks. I can only assume it is the quiet before the storm, because that's how we moms roll. I am, however, reminiscing about the crazy period a few weeks back. Three rounds of strep throat in the house, two of which evolved into ear infections. One of these cases was yours truly. This left me feeling like I was three years old (if only I could have indulged in a temper tantrum). This was especially challenging because of course this was happening as we were scrambling to celebrate a bunch of family events. Why then? Murphy and his laws can shove it.

So, dramatic flashback to making yet another visit to the pediatrician. It's one of those times that you wish the doctor's office had a frequent flyer program because I would would be half way to freakin Fiji by now. We scored the last appointment for 8 pm (you like how I use the word "scored" like its a reservation to some hot restaurant?) which is the only time we can make it post First Communion rehearsal. Oddly, it here that I am handed my laugh of the week.

As there were no outdated copies of Newsweek, Time, or People available, and I avoid any magazine featuring the word "Pregnancy" like the plague, I picked a new magazine called "Mom." I get a chuckle out of the article on how to teach toddlers yoga. If anyone out there accomplishes this, please call Guiness, not the beer people (although admitedly I would need alcohol to accomplish this), the folks who publish world records. Then a few pages later I see this...

Heaven help me. You expect us to believe that your baby can learn in utero by strapping this bad boy on? Just expose your belly to "X" and presto, they have increased ability to do "Z?" I have scientific evidence to disprove this theory. Due to lack of sleep during pregnancy I was the late night infomercial queen. If the theory of exposing your unborn child to exterior stimuli to increase their abilities in particular areas was true, my kids should have popped out as real esate moguls with flat abs and the ability to cook dinners in five minutes flat. Enough said. And may I say, "Poor Shannon Miller?" I guess Nikey hasn't come calling. Although they might be able to create a beautiful segue here. Shannon Miller does a Nike commercial with her Einstein-esque child wearing this Baby Plus contraption with an "Oz like" voice behind her saying, "What have you learned?" (If you ladies don't understand the Nike commercial reference, I'm sure your husbands can fill you in).

Moving on to the advertisement section in the back:

Love it! The name alone makes me want to ditch every other "suck the life out of me" undergarment I own and buy five of these. If it makes me look like the chick in the picture, I'll buy ten. However, I suspect it will be very much like bringing a picture of Angelina Jolie to the hairdresser and asking if they can "make me look like this." The ad references "Muffinology." This is science and technology I can get behind. Truthfully, I think I just want to say, "Mother Tucker," in conversation. I.e. my fantastic friends who's job it is to tell me I look great post partum (even if I look like a blob). I just want to turn to them and say, "I owe it all to the Mother Tucker!" Fun!

This leads me to my favorite. Truthfully, this wasn't in the magazine, but these first two items made me think of an item I saw in Babies'R'Us. It was a plaster molding kit so you could make a sculpture of your pregnant belly. Two thanks. I wanted to hit anyone who came near me with a camera and you think I'm going to let someone lather me up in plaster? Get a hold of yourself. Anyway, I went looking for the product online so I could include it with this post. I didn't find the same one, but I found this:

I've already used "Heaven help me," so I think I roll with "Lord have mercy" this time around. Yes, that's a mallot they are showing with the copper mold of a pregnant belly. You can make music with it folks! I recall how utterly HUGE I was with my first baby. The thought of making music with a copper mold of that conjurs a vision of "The Gong Show." Remember the life size symbol they used? Yep, that's about right. On the flip side, I think I missed my opportunity for a really cost efficient in ground pool. I'm learning to live with it. The cherry on top here is the logo. Take a close look at the top of the "B"...that would be a nipple. These are details I could live without.

So this is the over marketed world we live in. Do any of us really need this stuff? I have to answer with a big fat, "NO," especially in this economy. I think I would rather spend my money on silly bands. Also, a note to those who so want to be pregnant/have children and haven't gotten there yet. Don't despair. Everyone has their own story in this department and it almost always works out. This post really isn't about pregnancy, it's about assessing what we need. At the end of the day, I think it's very little. However, with more and more stuff being marketed, the lines between need, want, and what is practical/useful, definitely get blurred. Appreciate what you have, purge the stuff you have but don't need, and leave the rest of this garbage on the shelf! (Except the Mother Tucker...definitely need one of those babies.)


  1. I can so see you laughing out loud at the dr's office to this stuff. I will say that the 'Mother Tucker' is hilarious and awesome at the same time.

  2. Love the Mother Tucker! Thanks for making me laugh yet again! Good stuff.