Thursday, April 22, 2010

Us Magazine...Thursday???

Hey, it happens sometimes. 3 rounds of illness, A travelling husband, a 50th anniversery and a birthday celebration have made time evaporate in this household. So now it's Thursday. I am back from spin class and I am finally able to sit down and blog. Admitedly, I'm listening to my almost seven month old on the monitor and trying to mentally will her back to sleep (that's code for I'm ignoring her...c'mon girl, help a mom out. GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!)

So, back to the magazine. I got to page 2 before I was hit with a two page spread of Kim Kardshian displaying a variety of mini dresses. The cost of the dresses and shoes undoubtedly could have fed an entire third world country, but hey, anything for a photo op for the Kardashians. Page 4, Khloe Kardashian. Page 23 back to Kim Kardashian with this pic:

So, she states she gets "bikini ready by doing squats and lunges." You sure? It looks like you get there by sticking your head under my kitchen sink (I'm referring to the plumber butt here). One word...gross. Spare us the peek-a-boos and just go naked already. Oddly, I think it would be more tasteful.

Onto Hilary Duff's 25 Things You Didn't Know About Me. I'm torn on this one (Except for the fact she decidedly has to step away from the spray tan booth). Is she my soulmate or providing TMI here?

2. I speak gibberish fluently - soulmate
3. I watched "The Holiday" nine times last Christmas - soulmate, it's in standard rotation in my DVD player
4. My mom used M&M's to potty train me - TMI
9. I sleep with four dogs and two cats when my fiance isn't home - TMI, and by the way it makes it sound like Lizzie Maguire has one foot in the adult section here. Ewe.
16. I lose my keys at least twice a day - soulmate
23. The only car accidents I have ever been in were on my property - TMI, but only because this didn't work out so well for Tiger Woods.

Yep,it's a draw. But I'm leaning towards soulmate because of my own downfall where TMI is concerned. If you want to know what I'm talking about, just drop the word "pregnancy" around me and you'll get far more than you bargained for. That is a shout out for my dear friends who have listened to me tell the same stories ad nauseum...I love you for putting up with me and I will make a valiant effort to stop.

I seriously don't know where to start or stop with this one, so I'm just going to post the picture.

Okay, one comment. I heard she got the chin done. Why? The laws of gravity dictate that the second she trips the boobs are going to pull her straight down causing her to smash it again. Just an excuse for more surgery I guess. Moving on.

Now, I don't go to the Us for fashion advice and here is a perfect example why:

"Marbled" denim my's called acid washed and the memories are not fond. If they're going to bring back these eighties nightmares, could they at least bring back the million pockets? Those would actually come in handy and might eliminate my need for a diaper bag. Judging from the length of the shorts, I am entirely too old to be reading this magazine. The "sporty" pair also serves as a time machine. If you wear them with a pair of sports socks pulled up to your knees (preferably with two colored bands up at the top) you will be instantly deposited in 1975.

And that's a wrap. I didn't even have to go on a tirade about K.G. (I don't even want to type her name) and managed to make it to page 58 before having to endure her presence.

For those of you wondering, I caved and got my precious baby girl five minutes after starting this. No animals were hurt, and there were two diaper changes, one Baby Einstein video, countless pacifiers, and a bottle feeding during the creation of this post. TMI? Old habits die hard.

Happy Thursday!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The HGTV Factor

As you familiarize yourself with my blog, you are probably getting the picture that I get hooked in certain things. I think you all got the memo about Us Magazine and Target. Since officially leaving the workforce and staying home with my 6.5 month old, I added a new one to the list...HGTV. It is the perfect channel to watch when your folding laundry, which you also got the memo, I do PLENTY of. However, there is something ironic about watching a show about styling a room while you're sitting in one that looks like Mt. Saint Laundry just errupted. This has lead me to really scrutinize the content of HGTV. There are a couple of issues/suggestions I would like to bring to the forefront.

The "Staging" of a home to make it more sellable. They transform these homes, update them, and make them spotless for like five cents. On these shows, clutter is the root of all evil. This basically means my house is burning for all eternity. I am CONSTANTLY decluttering my house. It's very much like trying to bucket water out of a sinking ship. Color it futile (What a great idea for a paint color!). They basically make these homes look like they are not lived in. No clutter, no personal photos, and I suspect if they opened a closet they would show the children gag tied and straight jacketed. So to net it out, the only thing that can be staged in my house is an intervention because Mommy is going Coo Coo trying to keep up this charade.

Now, to address the whole "decorating a room on a budget." deal. The shows where they completely redo a room for a thousand bucks are just insulting. I have seen an "under $100" antique door used as a headboard, transformed into a dining room table, and retrofitted to an existing armoire to add "depth and character." Anyone out there ever pull off a project like this? Lands where teams of designers and cute, talented, carpenters are available to us at no charge, are usually very very far away not to mention fictitious. This fairytale land also allows us to redo our rooms in half an hour. It's like editing is the new LSD. It makes us delusional in thinking we can pull off these projects lickity split. The exception would be TLC's Trading Spaces (I don't even know if this show is still on). They used to show people clearing out a room before the work began, but they would fast forward the footage so it looked completely frantic. That's pretty spot on in my world.

How about these shows where they look at three properties, pick one, and buy it as if it was a grocery store purchase? Anyone who has purchased a home knows it's blood, sweat, tears and stress out the ying yang. I'm telling you...editing...LSD. Enough said.

Now, I am a big believer, that if you have a problem, don't just whine about it, try and come up with a solution. That being said, I would like to suggest HGTV develop a show on how to artfully decorate your home with stuffed animals, baby gear, and the BS brought home by your kids. I have a vision of priming and painting the baby's exersaucer to blend in with the rest of the room. Super balls artfully collected in a painted shadow box. My favorite vision is the stuffed animals taken apart and reconstructed to make throw pillows (the part where my child is sobbing into it saying "but it was my FAVORITE," will be edited out). Gold mine right?

Home is where the heart is. It's also the place where all of life's doody falls. There's no "staging" that although on occassion it does require some spackle and paint. HGTV would have a field day with my house. Oh well. My house is like another family member. I love it no matter what. Too bad lent is over...I could have totally given up the HGTV had I thought of it. Since that time has passed I think I'll just turn the channel to the food network. Next posting will be about how bogus "thirty minute meals" are. It's always something. Have a great day!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Us Magazine Monday 4-12-10

Happy Us Magazine Monday! Let me start by saying...WRETCH!!! You can take this in one of two ways. Kate Gosselin is a wretch, or "I wretch" as I have been forced to see this woman suck up space in my beloved Us magazine for waaaaaaay too many weeks. To make matters worse, I'm now writing about it, going against my own plea not to buy any more magazines that included her or the Kardashians as they are worthless "celebrities." However, my commentary this week is very well summarized from the front page.

First, continuing my tirade on Kate Gosselin. Does anyone else find it creepy that she looks like Britney Spears in this picture? Seeing as Britney is like ten years her junior, this should be a compliment. However, as a mother of eight, it strikes me as pathetic. The article inside goes on how she trumped John on her Easter celebration with the kids (photo op Easter egg hunt), how she's horrible to her dance partner Tony, and how the cast of Dancing With the Stars finds her nasty and "stand offish." Well Kate, after no less than ten Us cover stories, we get're a bitch. Here's the deal people...we have control over this one. Nobody vote for her and we can get her off this show. I need a vacation from this woman.

I would also like to note PR strategies here. Kate gets divorced and she gets 10+ magazine covers from Us. Tiger Woods is a cheating, rotten scoundrel, and he had max 2 covers and maybe a sub story. To net it out, Kate's people are paying to keep her in the tabloids and Tiger's camp is paying to keep him out. I'll gladly set up the "Let's Buy Kate Gosselin Out of the Media Foundation" All I need is a Paypal account right? Who's game? But, getting back to Tiger Woods...

I would like to officially become a member of "Team Elin." I was so sick of these political wives who "stood by their men" as they were publicly humiliated by them. Go Elin for grabbing a golf club and going after him. I also congratulate her for standing her ground and not going to The Masters. I love the title of this article "Elin's Still Angry." Duhhhh. He cheated on her for years, but four months, and several pay offs to the dirty girls ought to be enough to smoothe things over right? Even if she ultimately stays with him, he really needs to be hung out to dry for the haul. Stand strong Elin!

Allow me to jet right into the whole "rehab for sex addiction" thing. Jesse James is the latest to cry "addiction." How come this is a "celebrity only" addiction? Any of you out there know of any "common folk" who "suffer" from this? I think not. It's called too much money, too much access, and code amongst high paid people to cover up bad behavior. As soon as they're caught they cry addiction. Two words...get lost.

Moving on to "Kourtney's ultimatum..."

Based upon these pictures I would say the ultimatum is "Stop stepping out like Hugh Heffner's mommy dressed you for Easter or I'm outta here!" I'm not even sure Mr. Heffner should get away with wearing a bathrobe in public. Mr. Kardashian certainly shouldn't. What is up with the smoking jacket and searsucker pants? I don't even know what to say about the fuschia china doll loafers. Can anyone envision their husbands in this getup? Maybe on Halloween, but that's about it. I would get into the real story as to "the ultimatum," but I really don't care. My support of the Kardashians being celebrities ends with the mocking of the wardrobe/wardrobe malfunction thank you very much.

One last unrelated snippet. I love Kristin Davis and Sex in the City, however, she has a normal pear shaped build and this picture is so blatantly airbrushed, I couldn't ignore it.

Would it kill us to see a normal build on the cover of a fitness magazine? Personally, I would embrace it, but no, they had to airbrush her down to a string bean.

That being said, I'm off to go work off my post partum pudge. Keeping my fingers crossed with some hard work I won't be humiliated to be seen in a bathing suit come June. Maybe Heidi Pratt has the right idea after all? Anywho, that wraps it up! Talk to you soon!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Scenes From a To Do List

Dramatic flashback to last Friday. Kids are off from school and my mom is with us for the holiday weekend. This is my chance to run (I want to write "away" here, but no...) errands child free. I'm in the car and doing Oprah proud by making it a "cell phone free" zone. However, I have it in the cup holder for easy access at red lights. It starts buzzing. The anticipation kills me, is it a girlfriend calling to chat? An emergency at home? I dutifully wait until I can safely check. And the answer would be "D - None of the above." Turns out it's a reminder from my to-do list. It may as well have been a call from Buzz Kill. In an effort to go paperless, I upgraded my phone to an android do-hicky that allowed me to download an app to put the ever present to-do list and calendar on my cell phone. Now it's as if the damn thing has a life of its own, buzzing me to let me know what is "over due." Next thing you know it's going to be like an electric fence giving out shocks when things don't get done. I have a vision of me being zapped all over the tri-state's not pretty. But I am getting ahead of myself, for now it just buzzes. The fact it is on my cell phone prevents me from chucking it out the window.

This is what the to-do list looks like this particular Friday:
1. Wash laundry
2. Fold laundry
3. Put away laundry
4. Mall
- Goggles for kids
- Buy reprints at Picture People
5. Target - Easter treats
- infant toys
- fip flops
- bread
- cards

The whole laundry thing is on the list every day. I HATE laundry. There is zero accomplishment factor. Even if you get the God foresaken task done, by day's end it's already piling up again. They should really add a new cycle. Heavy duty cycle, perma press cycle, and the new vicious cycle just because it is so appropriate. Doing a week's worth of wash for five people could seriously take all day. This is why I have it broken down into wash, fold, and put away. It gives me some shot of being able to cross off something in the laundry arena. The only real purpose of having a to-do list is so you have the satisfaction of crossing things off. You have to give yourself every advantage.

Oddly, after all of that ranting I'm not even doing laundry. I am on my way to the mall and then off to "the mother ship" (that is code for Target)to take care of items 4 and 5. I whip through the sporting goods store and get the goggles in record time. Off to the Picture People. Reprints ordered. I have now fired through two to-do's in ten minutes. I am on fire. While my pictures are printing I feel a magnetic pull to Ann Taylor Loft. I reward my time efficiency with this "off list" stop. Sale racks are looking good. They had cute jeans and a flowy white top that I thought would look good with a jacket I have at home. I recently got through a post pregnancy weight loss plateau and am feeling optimistic. I buy my pre-pregnancy size. I am of the opinion that the world is a scary enough need to go into the dressing room. Fast forward to the "try on." at home. Optimism quickly evaporates to "What was I smoking?" Jeans cause terminal muffin top (I may not die of it, but think I may die WITH it), shirt is way too shear and my jacket is proportioned all wrong for foreseen outfit. I add "Return to Ann Taylor Loft" to the to-do list. This is what happens when you make off list stops. I wonder if the phone can zap me when it senses my doing this.

Off to Target. Again, I whip through my list, but this time fall victim to another shopping vice. Buying in multiples. When flip flops are $2.99 you should buy them in a couple of colors right? This however, is not what gets me in trouble. Infant toys are on clearance. I pick up three and on a last second whim pick up a musical fourth. I check and make sure it works. It plays music in the cart all the way to the check out counter. I don't think too much of it. Then it plays all the way to the next stop which is the gas station. Starting to grate a little, but hey, the car was moving and it's motion detected. It's now playing while I am pumping gas. I add "return annoying ass toy to Target" to the to-do list.

So this is how the day nets out to-do list wise. Laundry doesn't budge. I got two items off the list but added two more due to my own shopping vices (stupid). Not satisfied with this, I add "Update Facebook Status" and "Eat lunch" on the list so I can immediately cross them off and boost my self esteem. I'm considering adding "Deep six to-do list" and being done with the whole torturous process.

Hope everyone out there is having a productive day!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Us Magazine Monday

Hello and happy Monday! (All right, all right, it's now Tuesday. I had a little trouble finishing this since the kids were out of school). As I am the type that does not fly by the seat of my pants, I thought I would start giving this blog a bit of structure. Every Monday I will provide a little commentary from my last issue of Us Magazine (otherwise known as literature or the bible, take your pick). Sandra Bullock is once again occupying the front page with Jesse's face inset. His small head shot would provide the perfect bullseye for target practice if anyone is interested.

I managed to get to page 19 before seeing Kate Gosselin's mug for Dancing with the Stars. This show could really be the mother of all reality TV shows. It combines "The Bachelor," the aforementioned "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" (vomit), and this season features Buzz Aldrin. The fact that he walked on the moon is secondary to the fact that may have unwittingly provided us with one of the first reality TV experiences. American hero? Ha! It's all about the reality TV. Anyway, I did manage to catch the first episode thanks to my DVR and now have my beloved Us magazine for the "drama behind the scenes."

First of all, I fully anticipated a pole to appear somewhere in the middle of the broadcast so Jake (The Bachelor) Pavelka's beloved Vienna could jump on and do her own dance. Everything about this girl screams stripper to me, but alas, she was left to clap politely from the sidelines next to his family who apparantly wanted nothing to do with her. Moving on.

Newly annointed host Brooke Burke, was lovely. I tried not to hate her considering she has that bod after four kids. After last post I do not want to harp on, ahem, the "upper extremities." However, hers were popping out of the dress. Then after interviewing each couple said "They need your support." She said this at least twenty times and all I could think was, "Babe, they look like they're doing A-Okay on their own."

Ahhh, now my favorite. Dear Kate Gosselin. Bruno said she looked like a shopping cart that Tony had to push around. Not unlike you Kate, karma is a bitch. Here is a picture of our dear Kate reacting to the judge's critique:

So, Lillian Glass sees "tension..." all I see is "Barbie - Mommy Dearest edition." When interviewed afterwards and asked if it was a relief she got through it, her reply was "it's good knowing my kids can rest easy." Um, that's not answering the question, but hey, whatever it took to get that "mom plug" in...P.S. your kids would rest easier, if you were HOME and not across the country trying to extend your fifteen minutes.

Onto Page 92. Aha! Something that doesn't require me to go in snark attack mode. Jamie Oliver, I love you! I'm not fluent on our food system, but know it is whack-a-dooed beyond belief. This undoubtedly contributes to our obesity problem. Dear Jamie's new show is "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution." Thank you for giving us a reality show that is not a total train wreck.

I will wrap up with page 98 where we have the movie section. Drum roll please. Mylie Cyrus and Nicholas Sparks' "The Last Song" has earned the "Us Bust" award. AMEN. I skipped the movie, but read and loved "The Notebook." However, my attempts to read other Sparks' books has resulted in my gagging on the schmaltz. I also think Mylie Cyrus is way too big for her precocious sassy pants. Us magazine, I knew I could trust you to spot toxicity at its finest. You never fail to disappoint.

And that is my replay of Us Magazine for the week. Can't wait until Friday when my next issue hits the mailbox even though I discovered today that wasps were building a nest in it (the mailbox that is). I'm deathly afraid of stinging insects, however, wasps will be harmed if they come between me and the Us.

Talk to you soon!